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For mathematicians, I've always liked this pair:
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to change it, one for support, and four to share the experience.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. He hands it to six Californians, thus reducing the problem to a previous joke.
Of course, I'm an engineer...
Michael.
"Clean" Jokes Make my students laugh, if you can.
#41
- Secretary Bird
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Posted 2006-June-23, 13:15
When I go to sea, don't fear for me, Fear For The Storm -- Birdie and the Swansong (tSCoSI)
#42
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Posted 2006-June-23, 19:11
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking
at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New
Yorker out.
different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida and New York.
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of
looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from
her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Florida.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking
at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Florida opened the car door and pushed the New
Yorker out.
--Ben--
#43
- Under bidder
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Posted 2006-June-24, 05:09
That's a pretty good one Ben!
I must admit that I found some of the jokes here offensive enough never to tell in a highschool class (but not those about mathematicians, they just tend to be boring).
I must admit that I found some of the jokes here offensive enough never to tell in a highschool class (but not those about mathematicians, they just tend to be boring).
Please note: I am interested in boring, bog standard, 2/1.
- hrothgar
- hrothgar
#44
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- Interests:Art, music
Posted 2006-June-24, 16:44
Speaking of light bulbs....
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None of your F!%*#ing business!
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None of your F!%*#ing business!
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Black Lives Matter. / "I need ammunition, not a ride." Zelensky
#45
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- Interests:Cricket
Posted 2006-June-24, 22:55
Winstonm, on Jun 25 2006, 12:44 AM, said:
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None of your F!%*#ing business!
None of your F!%*#ing business!
Is that an abbreviation for Flushing Meadows?
Roland
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice
#46
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Posted 2006-June-24, 23:00
To be happy with a husband you have to understand him a little and love him a lot. To be happy with a wife you have to love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!
Roland
Roland
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice
#47
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Posted 2006-June-25, 12:48
Hannie, on Jun 24 2006, 05:09 AM, said:
That's a pretty good one Ben!
I must admit that I found some of the jokes here offensive enough never to tell in a highschool class (but not those about mathematicians, they just tend to be boring).
I must admit that I found some of the jokes here offensive enough never to tell in a highschool class (but not those about mathematicians, they just tend to be boring).
I thought that's why the thread title was "clean" jokes.
"More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits."
John Nelson.
John Nelson.
#48
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Posted 2006-June-25, 12:53
Two guys Jack and John playing golf, a funeral cortage drives by and Jack removes his hat and stands silent for one minute, John said "Jack thats the first time I have ever seen you so respect to another Human being in 40 years I have known you" Jack said " well what do you expect I was married to her for 50 years"
#49
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Posted 2006-June-25, 15:57
England in the Soccer World Cup
#50
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Posted 2006-August-15, 11:27
Types of Deja Vu
It feels like I've milked this cow before: deja moo
It feels like I've seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
It feels like I've smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
It feels like I've visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
It feels like I've scared this person away before: deja boo
It feels like I've read this mystery book before: deja clue
It feels like I've been in this courtroom before: deja sue
It feels like I've felt this bad before: deja rue
It feels like I've felt this sad before: deja blue
It feels like I've expanded this way before: deja grew
It feels like I've seen this slime before: deja goo
It feels like I've learned this stuff before: deja knew
It feels like I've waited in line before: deja queue
It feels like I've eaten this dinner before: deja stew
It feels like I've pursued this person before: deja woo
It feels like I've forgotten your name before: deja who
It feels like I've had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too
It feels like I've seen these twins before: deja two
It feels like I've used this beer recipe before: deja brew
It feels like I've been on this airplane before: deja flew
It feels like I've came up with this innovation before: deja new
It feels like I've fed these pigeons before: deja coo
It feels like I've sketched this portrait before: deja drew
It feels like I've ended this relationship before: deja through
It feels like I've felt this ill before: deja flu
It feels like I've sheared this sheep before: deja ewe
It feels like I've munched on this gum ball before: deja chew
It feels like I've sat through this sermon before: deja pew
It feels like I've played in this wet grass before: deja dew
It feels like I've admired this scenery before: deja ooo
It feels like I've lost it under the bed before: deja shoo
It feels like I've exposed the real facts before: deja true
It feels like I've milked this cow before: deja moo
It feels like I've seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
It feels like I've smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
It feels like I've visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
It feels like I've scared this person away before: deja boo
It feels like I've read this mystery book before: deja clue
It feels like I've been in this courtroom before: deja sue
It feels like I've felt this bad before: deja rue
It feels like I've felt this sad before: deja blue
It feels like I've expanded this way before: deja grew
It feels like I've seen this slime before: deja goo
It feels like I've learned this stuff before: deja knew
It feels like I've waited in line before: deja queue
It feels like I've eaten this dinner before: deja stew
It feels like I've pursued this person before: deja woo
It feels like I've forgotten your name before: deja who
It feels like I've had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too
It feels like I've seen these twins before: deja two
It feels like I've used this beer recipe before: deja brew
It feels like I've been on this airplane before: deja flew
It feels like I've came up with this innovation before: deja new
It feels like I've fed these pigeons before: deja coo
It feels like I've sketched this portrait before: deja drew
It feels like I've ended this relationship before: deja through
It feels like I've felt this ill before: deja flu
It feels like I've sheared this sheep before: deja ewe
It feels like I've munched on this gum ball before: deja chew
It feels like I've sat through this sermon before: deja pew
It feels like I've played in this wet grass before: deja dew
It feels like I've admired this scenery before: deja ooo
It feels like I've lost it under the bed before: deja shoo
It feels like I've exposed the real facts before: deja true
"More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits."
John Nelson.
John Nelson.
#51
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Posted 2006-August-15, 12:56
Captain of a pirate ship gets a call from the look out.
"Captain, I see three warships on the horizon approaching fast"
The captain says to the cabin boy, "quick boy, run fetch meeze my red shirt so I can put it on."
When the cabin boy returns with the shirt, the helmsman ask the captain, "Why did you want to wear your red shirt?"
The captain replies "so that if I get slashed by a saber in the fighting, the men will not see the blood on my shirt and be discouraged"
The battle went well for the pirates... a few days later, the Look out, yells down to the captain.
"Captain, I see twenty warships on the horizon appoaching fast."
The captain says to the cabin boy, "quick boy, run and fetch meeze brown pants."
"Captain, I see three warships on the horizon approaching fast"
The captain says to the cabin boy, "quick boy, run fetch meeze my red shirt so I can put it on."
When the cabin boy returns with the shirt, the helmsman ask the captain, "Why did you want to wear your red shirt?"
The captain replies "so that if I get slashed by a saber in the fighting, the men will not see the blood on my shirt and be discouraged"
The battle went well for the pirates... a few days later, the Look out, yells down to the captain.
"Captain, I see twenty warships on the horizon appoaching fast."
The captain says to the cabin boy, "quick boy, run and fetch meeze brown pants."
--Ben--
#52
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Posted 2006-August-15, 15:03
15 year old boy to his Father
" Dad, I want to marry Mary White"
"you can't son, she is your half sister, I was bit of a stud when I was younger and sewn my wild oats all over the place"
"Dad, I want to marry Terresa Smith"
"you can't son, she is your half sister also"
with this the boy sits on the front porch all dejected and sad, along comes his mother and says "whats up son you look sad"
"It is like this mum, I wanted to marry Mary White and dad said she is my half sister and I can't marry her, then I told him I wanted to marry Terresa smith and he said I can't because she is my half sister"
HAHAHA said the mother, "you go and marry who you like, he is not really your father"
" Dad, I want to marry Mary White"
"you can't son, she is your half sister, I was bit of a stud when I was younger and sewn my wild oats all over the place"
"Dad, I want to marry Terresa Smith"
"you can't son, she is your half sister also"
with this the boy sits on the front porch all dejected and sad, along comes his mother and says "whats up son you look sad"
"It is like this mum, I wanted to marry Mary White and dad said she is my half sister and I can't marry her, then I told him I wanted to marry Terresa smith and he said I can't because she is my half sister"
HAHAHA said the mother, "you go and marry who you like, he is not really your father"
#53
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Posted 2006-August-15, 22:51
Just found this Topic...late for finals, but maybe in time for 'ice-breaker' joke-fest.
This is an oldtimer that I like...still find some who haven't heard it.
MANLY PURSUITS
Amos is sitting on his porch when his new neighbor, John, saunters over. John is looking for somehing to do, and would like to work up a friendship with Amos.
John: 'Hey Amos, I hear the trout are biting. Let's go fishing.'
Amos: 'Nah. Tried that once...didn't like it.'
John: 'Well, the gun club is having a target shoot. Let's try out my new rifle.'
Amos: 'Nah. Tried that once...didn't like it.'
John: 'Poker game at Harry's tonight.'
Amos: 'Nah. Tried that once...didn't like it.'
John: 'Bowling?'
Amos: 'Nah. Tried that once...didn't like it.'
Just then, a little boy came out of the house and jumped into Amos' lap.
John: 'Who's this handsome little fella?'
Amos: 'My son.'
John: 'Your only child?'
Bridge Is Only A Game (please don't hit me)
#54
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Posted 2006-September-01, 11:20
A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks
>his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts
>them, and then runs back to his master.
>
>"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
>
>"40," replies the dog.
>
>"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
>
>"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
>
>his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts
>them, and then runs back to his master.
>
>"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
>
>"40," replies the dog.
>
>"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
>
>"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
>
#55
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Posted 2006-September-01, 11:28
sceptic, on Sep 1 2006, 11:20 AM, said:
A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks
>his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts
>them, and then runs back to his master.
>
>"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
>
>"40," replies the dog.
>
>"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
>
>"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
>
>his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts
>them, and then runs back to his master.
>
>"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
>
>"40," replies the dog.
>
>"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
>
>"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
>
Such a smart dog. Talks and does maths
"More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits."
John Nelson.
John Nelson.