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Bridge humour jokes, memes etc

#1 User is offline   trolley813 

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Posted 2020-October-18, 13:24

I apologise since it may be an improper place to post it there, but I've found nothing better.

Topic for posting bridge jokes, memes and other bridge humour (I've found no existing topic dedicated to it).

Here's a joke by me (I've posted it today on Reddit (to the general jokes subreddit), but the people there seem not to play bridge):

- Why an owner of 4 bridge clubs would give one of them for free only to help Democrats to win the 2020 presidential election?
- Because in bridge, four clubs are worth less then three, but with no trump.

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#2 User is offline   pilowsky 

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Posted 2020-October-18, 16:55

Oh, I get it 3 walk into a bar... you must be joking.
non est deus ex machina; även maskiner behöver lite kärlek, J'ai toujours misé sur l'étrange gentillesse des robots.
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#3 User is offline   Chas_P 

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Posted 2020-October-18, 18:23

Bridge daffynitions from Richard Pavlicek:

Bath Coup — getting to use the tub before your roommate.
Doubleton — 4,000 pounds.
Dummy — (see below).
Partner — (see above).
Free Bid — all of them, once you pay your entry fee.
Gerber Convention — a meeting of baby-food manufacturers.
Jack Denies — headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.
Key-Card Blackwood — an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam off the ace of trumps.
Law of Total Tricks — recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.
Quick Tricks — frantic scurry by hookers to beat the ordinance.
Negative Double — the one that gets wrapped around your neck.
Reverse Bid — an opening like “Club One.”
Roman Discards — Caesar’s trash.
Short Club — a private organization for midgets.
Splinter Bid — the only known way to become declarer with a singleton trump in each hand.
Texas Transfer — relocation to a branch office in Dallas.
Trump Coup — triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.
Trump Echo — a brand new casino in Atlantic City.
Vienna Coup — the mating sound of Austrian doves.
Wolff Sign-off — the ending of Little Red Riding Hood.

#4 User is offline   trolley813 

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Posted 2020-October-18, 23:13

View Postpilowsky, on 2020-October-18, 16:55, said:

3 walk into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
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#5 User is offline   thepossum 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 01:28

I did waste 30 minutes or so searching Google for Bridge humour. I have to say I didn't come up with much. I wonder why :)

If I were going to run some kind of classification over it I reckon 90% of it would come close to the very bottom of the worst of dad jokes - but not quite that funny. What's also sad is that I wanted to be something a smartass (as usual) and post a joke about bridges but they really aren't much better (possibly even worse)

Considering the (alleged) brains that play the game it is rather concerning. It like your parents when checking your report card at end of semester/term would be most disappointed at your grade on Humour 101

Actually one of the funniest and most appropriate did relate to an IQ test and a machine that conversed with you according to your IQ. You should all look it up :)

Although to be fair what did show up as genuinely amusing/funny were anecdotes (real or apocryphal)

I being really mean and with apologies to the page I found this on and the paraphrasing I liked the following one (apolgoies for the paraphrase)

A: How did your appointment with your cardiologist go?
B: She said I can't play bridge anymore
A : Why, because of your heart problem?
B: No, she said I'm not good enough

Oh, I remembered, there was a Precision joke but I didn't get it at all. Actually I shouldn't put myself down. I did kind of get it. I remember. But I couldn't possibly remember it and get it right :)


Maybe its time for Bridgebase to organise a joke competition with BBO masterpoints on offer for the top few best jokes
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#6 User is offline   LBengtsson 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 12:51

Sex is a lot like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand :D
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#7 User is offline   trolley813 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 15:31

View Postthepossum, on 2020-October-19, 01:28, said:

I did waste 30 minutes or so searching Google for Bridge humour. I have to say I didn't come up with much. I wonder why :)

If I were going to run some kind of classification over it I reckon 90% of it would come close to the very bottom of the worst of dad jokes - but not quite that funny. What's also sad is that I wanted to be something a smartass (as usual) and post a joke about bridges but they really aren't much better (possibly even worse)

Considering the (alleged) brains that play the game it is rather concerning. It like your parents when checking your report card at end of semester/term would be most disappointed at your grade on Humour 101

Actually one of the funniest and most appropriate did relate to an IQ test and a machine that conversed with you according to your IQ. You should all look it up :)

Although to be fair what did show up as genuinely amusing/funny were anecdotes (real or apocryphal)

I being really mean and with apologies to the page I found this on and the paraphrasing I liked the following one (apolgoies for the paraphrase)

A: How did your appointment with your cardiologist go?
B: She said I can't play bridge anymore
A : Why, because of your heart problem?
B: No, she said I'm not good enough

Oh, I remembered, there was a Precision joke but I didn't get it at all. Actually I shouldn't put myself down. I did kind of get it. I remember. But I couldn't possibly remember it and get it right :)


Maybe its time for Bridgebase to organise a joke competition with BBO masterpoints on offer for the top few best jokes



Coincidentally, I've lost a hand today (by allowing my robot partner to overbid) just because my heart was not good enough: I even created a topic about it since I don't quite understand the bidding. (Not a joke.)
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#8 User is offline   pilowsky 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 15:44

View Posttrolley813, on 2020-October-19, 15:31, said:

Coincidentally, I've lost a hand today (by allowing my robot partner to overbid) just because my heart was not good enough: I even created a topic about it since I don't quite understand the bidding. (Not a joke.)


Hopefully, you weren't playing in San Francisco.
non est deus ex machina; även maskiner behöver lite kärlek, J'ai toujours misé sur l'étrange gentillesse des robots.
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#9 User is offline   pilowsky 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 15:46

I'm not sure if it''s a joke, but I'm just about to enter a tourney in which another competitor is called brisbymom - as a Jewish boy should I be worried?
non est deus ex machina; även maskiner behöver lite kärlek, J'ai toujours misé sur l'étrange gentillesse des robots.
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#10 User is offline   Chas_P 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 20:26

Another of my favorites....

Josef Stalin sits down to play a little bridge with three of his underlings. Stalin deals and the auction goes 1-1-1-1-1-p-p-p.

#11 User is offline   Zelandakh 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 21:39

There are the well known jokes about a Chief Inspector/General/Sergeant Major overcalling 3NT with 1 and all of the Constables/Privates passing; or of the wine waiter stepping in to a match and being told to "bid what you have" opening 4 doubled back and rebidding 4, doubled again for him to bid 4, finally adding "and the Jack of spades". But perhaps the most entertaining is this famous verse:
--
The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor Skinny Miles that day,
For Folline was his partner with one rubber left to play,
And Hodges sat on one side, and Warner on the other,
And no one at the table felt like anybody's brother.

But Skinny made a game bid, and Emily a partial,
And Hodges leered at Warner as if this were all quite farcial.
The cards were being shuffled when Hodges had to go,
So Sobel softly shouted “I'LL SUBSTITUTE, YOU KNOW!”

He strode up to the table in his best director's manner
Holding aloft his cooking-and-creek as if it were a banner.
“WHO DEALS?” he whispered gently, and the cards blew on the floor.
“WE'LL WIN THIS RUBBER YET” he murmured, and down went Skinny's door.

There was ease in Skinny's manner as he answered “It's my deal”.
There was pride in Skinny's bearing as he asked “Are you for real?”
But Sobel wasn't buffaloed, he shuffled up the deck,
He seemed to feel quite certain Folline would stick out Skinny's neck.

Three pairs of eyes were on him as he handed Skin the cards,
Three pairs of ears were listening as he said “Remember, Dave, we're pards!”
Then as the deal was finished, he took another nip -
Defiance gleamed in Sobel's eye, a sneer curled Sobel's lip.

By now the hands were sorted, and Skinny's spirits sank -
Not an honor card was in his mitt, in fact his holding stank.
Six diamonds to the none-spot, seven clubs topped by the eight -
“This ain't my style” he muttered, as he bemoaned his fate.

“By me” he offered sadly, and he hoped that by his moan
Folline would quickly see she was entirely on her own.
He turned to look at Sobel to see what he would bid
And his spirits dropped still further, for Al's glee could not be hid.

With a smile of Christian charity great Sobel's visage shone -
“Don't worry, Dave old pal” he said, “I'll bid this hand alone.”
He lifted up his glass, called “Diamonds, Six” in accents bold,
But when Skin heard what followed was when his blood ran cold.

For Folline, swaying gently, looked Al right in the eye
And shouted “Seven Diamonds” as she poured another rye.
“Fraud!” cried the anguished Skinny as he looked at her nonplussed,
But one scornful look from Folline and he knew that bid he must.

They saw his face grow red as if inside it were a devil -
He had to bid a blank suit at the lofty seven level!
But Warner knew it too and so refrained from saying “Double” -
Far be it from a broker to get a fellow out of trouble.

The sneer is gone from Sobel's lips, he's licking them instead,
Anticipating quite a set - his hand's gone to his head!
And now poor Skinny grits his teeth, and now the deed is did,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Skinny's bid…

And somewhere in Virginia there's the sound of singing boids,
And somewhere Skin won't have to choose between two aching voids -
But not at Miles Away, where bridge is now considered vice,
For Skin chose spades instead, when seven hearts was cold as ice.
--
(-: Zel :-)

Happy New Year everyone!
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#12 User is offline   Zelandakh 

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Posted 2020-October-19, 22:15

View Postthepossum, on 2020-October-19, 01:28, said:

I did waste 30 minutes or so searching Google for Bridge humour. I have to say I didn't come up with much. I wonder why :)

I just tried it and came up with this, this and this.
(-: Zel :-)

Happy New Year everyone!
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#13 User is online   nullve 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 03:06

It's always fun to see if GiB can recover from temporary insanity:


(I opened 1 and then left the seat to GiB.)
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#14 User is offline   trolley813 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 03:19

Not quite a joke, but still (from the ACBL Encyclopedia of Bridge, 7th edition (2011), page 393):



Quote

Spades are trump, and West is on lead and forced to open up the hearts. The queen is the proper play, for if he leads a low card, South simply plays the 8 from dummy, forcing the jack from East. On the next round he has a simple finesse position with dummy's A-10 over West's queen.


This rare case, when a tenace really consists of a ten and an ace.
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#15 User is offline   pilowsky 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 05:08

I once played a session with a Bridge Director and at the end of it, he asked me if I was a stand-up comedian.

We didn't do too badly, so I'm still not sure if it was my bidding, play, or banter. I dolefully replied: "yes, I'm an academic" and left.

My wife always told me the students only laugh because I paid them.

David Dunning and Justin Kruger think smart people understand humour - I doubt they ever went to a Bridge club.

On the other hand, I read their paper a while ago - the 'jokes' they used to test their subjects weren't very funny. Neither were the comedians that that rated them.
non est deus ex machina; även maskiner behöver lite kärlek, J'ai toujours misé sur l'étrange gentillesse des robots.
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#16 User is offline   kenberg 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 07:53

My wife Becky does not play bridge but she has heard me talk about it enough so that she knows about major and minor suits. So I told he about the three clubs walking into a bar and the bartender refusing to serve minors. I also mentioned about the Wolff sign-off and Little Red Riding Hood, w/o explaining the convention. She said that Bridge humor sounds a lot like math humor. I am left wondering of that was intended as a compliment. But I am enjoying the thread.
Ken
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#17 User is offline   Vampyr 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 10:48

View Postpilowsky, on 2020-October-19, 15:46, said:

I'm not sure if it''s a joke, but I'm just about to enter a tourney in which another competitor is called brisbymom - as a Jewish boy should I be worried?


No, because it is too late.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones -- Albert Einstein
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#18 User is offline   kenberg 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 11:14

I grew up (in St. Paul) among a reasonable mixture of Catholics, Jews, and Protestants, for example we were Protestant, there was a Jewish family two doors down and a Catholic family across the street from them. However I have no idea what brisby refers to. Sorry to be so dense. I looked on the web and saw something about a Disney cartoon. Figured that wasn't it. Can you enlighten me?
Ken
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#19 User is offline   pilowsky 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 13:31

View PostVampyr, on 2020-October-20, 10:48, said:

No, because it is too late.


You're right, I'm always cutting things too close Posted Image.
non est deus ex machina; även maskiner behöver lite kärlek, J'ai toujours misé sur l'étrange gentillesse des robots.
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#20 User is offline   pilowsky 

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Posted 2020-October-20, 13:33

View Postkenberg, on 2020-October-20, 11:14, said:

I grew up (in St. Paul) among a reasonable mixture of Catholics, Jews, and Protestants, for example we were Protestant, there was a Jewish family two doors down and a Catholic family across the street from them. However I have no idea what brisby refers to. Sorry to be so dense. I looked on the web and saw something about a Disney cartoon. Figured that wasn't it. Can you enlighten me?


lol - you need to google 'bris' - not something you want your mom to do.
non est deus ex machina; även maskiner behöver lite kärlek, J'ai toujours misé sur l'étrange gentillesse des robots.
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